Father? I intend to fast and let You cleanse not only my body but mainly my soul. I need You. But You know it, my Father. There is no way in this world to get rid of our mistaken tone of distrust and despair. There is no way in this world for us to separate the PRECIOUS from the VILE. Unless You do the cleansing of my OWN heart from unworthy and unwarranted suspicions concerning Your faithfulness, I labor in vain.
My wantings and demands for one thing or the other has caused much harm in the relationship not only with Ahmad but also with my own children. What is the use get emotionally sorry about it? But! Instead of emotional outbursts, letting You cleanse my body and soul is what You require. How can I let You do the cleansing, my Father? Your words in Isaiah 1:2-20 come to mind,
…. Why should you be stricken and punished any more since it brings no correction? You will revolt more and more. The whole head is sick, and the whole heart is faint (feeble, sick, and nauseated). From the sole of the foot even to the head there is no soundness or health in the nation’s body—but wounds and bruises and fresh and bleeding stripes; they have not been pressed out and closed up or bound up or softened with oil. No one has troubled to seek a remedy.
O my Father! I hear You speaking to me personally. Not to the nation, not to Ahmad or any human being amidst, but! To me. I am the guilty one. I keep regressing to my carnal ways despite all the work You have done within my being, but! You know it. So, why do You let me regress?
“Do you really regress, My child? If it was so, would you bypass those words and apply them to somebody else other than yourself? Pause. Reflect. O thiaBasilia—O child of My heart? Continue with your reading.