“And from the false and shallow ground of unrealistic dreams, I began to read all kinds of self-improvement literature to begin with the struggle and arduous task to improve myself. I even attempted to practice mind control.
“For I wanted to improve myself to supersede in whatever I did merely for the sake of my ultimate glory. Such was the thriving pride and vanity in my carnal self!
“Socially and morally my views were very liberal. As long as I was discreet, I felt that I could do whatever I wanted to do.
“Spiritually, I was reaching out to Almighty Yahuwah only for my own gain and comfort. Thus, I was living a mixed life. A life of compromise.
“It was a very shallow life. I was still in the grip of Satan. Only now I was deceived into a self-improved life. A life fairly enviable. A life of liberal morals.
“A life of respectability, yet, with the comfort of a lover-friend; but, without the responsibility of a husband. With all the fringe benefits of compromise; but, without the responsibility of commitment.
“I had the world in front of me just mine for the asking. And no one could understand why I was still so miserable and gloomy and unable to grab on to that world. Why I could not go along like everybody else and settle down.
“Settle down to be Mr. Coo’s lady friend and enjoyed it. Settle down to a productive life in a lucrative career. Settle down on the climbing ladder of materialistic success at any cost!
“`Why, why, why!’ I would wonder to my own self. And I cried and I searched. I did this and I did that. I would talk about this great hoped-for break through today Tomorrow? I would be talking about a greater one yet to be realized. For I was swimming in the great pond of secular humanism philosophy.
“I was living well in a mixed life of liberal morals and idealistic humanitarian principles. That was a period of my life from the Vegas return around the end of October and beginning of November of 1983 to the 13th day of October 1985 when I had the second breakdown. Appropriately the Scriptures read,
- “For your sin is an incurable bruise, a terrible wound. There is no one to help you or to bind up your wound and no medicine does any good. All your lovers have left you and don’t care anything about you anymore; for I have wounded you cruelly, as though I were your enemy; mercilessly, as though I were an implacable foe; for your sins are so many, your guilt is so great.” Jeremiah 30:12- 14(LBV.)
- Establishing and strengthening the souls and the hearts of the disciples, urging and warning and encouraging them to stand firm in the faith, and telling them that it is through MANY HARDSHIPS AND TRIBULATIONS WE MUST ENTER THE KINGDOM OF ALMIGHTY YAHUWAH. Acts 14:22 (LBV.)
“Yes, the wound in my flesh under the dictates of my carnal self was incurable because my flesh was not to profit anything to give life to my carnal self.